The Divorce Opposer

I didn't want to divorce. I knew what it meant to my children. I read a couple of books as I pondered, should I seek a divorce? The more I read the more I didn't want divorce. I learned some new terms as I read more. I was the "divorce opposer". My wife had told me that I was the reason for all her depression. I was lazy and cheap and sucked in bed. Still I opposed divorce. I wasn't thinking about my own happiness. I was thinking about what we had accomplished together and how divorce would destroy it all. I was thinking about my friends who had divorced. How they lived in apartment buildings and tenements. I was thinking about the affect of divorce on our children. I asked my wife to read some of the things that I was reading. "I don't have time to read". She said this to me after we had sat at a mediation in the court room. She had just learned that her child support would be much less than she had anticipated. I had known that she wouldn't get the child support she thought she would. I learned it from reading. "Stay ignorant then". I didn't yell it. I said it because I knew she was thinking that divorcing me was going to end all the problems in her life. She wasn't contemplating the new problems that divorce would bring. As far as my ex was concerned she was going to live the life of a Disney character.

I read that after divorce a woman's standard of living declined by an astonishing 30 percent. I mentioned this to my wife. She said "I may miss your money, but I won't miss you". That's a line I will always remember. Another item I brought to her attention was in one of the books I was reading: recent studies have found that those who were unhappy but stay married were more likely to be happy five years later than those who divorced.

The more I read the more I opposed divorce. I went to counseling. I went on depression medication. I tried to bring the spark back into our marriage she said she needed. I had no idea at the time that my wife was already having an affair. Actually, I did have an idea. I just was in denial. The signs were all there. I just didn't want to believe them. My wife rejected me completely. She told me she needed time. She told me she wanted me to move out. I actually wondered, should I move out? Thank God that I didn't. Once I started interviewing divorce lawyers, I heard one common theme. "Don't you leave the house, you'll never get back in." That's about the only good advice I got from my attorney.

After learning that my wife had been cheating I still opposed divorce. Now things made more sense. I knew why she rejected every attempt I made at keeping the family together. She had fallen in love with her boss at work. In one of the books I read, I read a line that told me exactly how she thought. In her mind she could only see the negative things in our relationship over the last 17 years.

Belief in the Value of the Mate: Valuing a mate is an essential ingredient to a long, healthy relationship. Healthy partners have a positive view of their future together, a balanced view of the positives and negatives of their past, and tend to try to make the present moment filled with happiness and joy. For those BPDs in the MAD zone, the world is a historic garbage dump of horrible failures, past transgressions, and lack of love. Everything in the present moment is a confused and angry concoction of hurt, criticism, blame, resentment, rage, twisted realities, and suspicion; which creates a frightening view of the relationship, and a thorough collapse in any belief that a future with their mate will produce joy, happiness, or success. Once this critical third pillar -- the belief structure -- is shattered, the last hope for survival of the relationship is left to the psychiatric profession (which might help) or lawyers, and/or the police, who are totally oblivious to the bizarre realities of BPD

This paragraph really hit home for me. There was no saving the marriage unless my wife would seek medical help. She blamed her depression completely on me. I finally hired a lawyer. I took a loan out against my 401k account to pay the retainer. When I gave her the letter from my lawyer telling her that I had filed for divorce I did it with tears in my eyes. "I have given you everything you ever asked me for. I never wanted to give you this". I handed her the letter and she could see the name of the law firm on it. "What's this? You're serving me? Thanks, at least it's started." I went to the kitchen and cried. When I went back the bedroom she began screaming at me. She ranted….”you never do a thing around here, you’re a lazy fuck and you never do anything”. I just said that was ridiculous. I felt that over the years I had tried to be as good a husband and dad that I could be and I always did at least my share of the household chores if not more. My 3 year old son heard her yelling and swearing at me and said “Mommy, stop saying bad words and don’t yell at Daddy” I never responded other than to say that I had tried my hardest over the years to make her happy, but I can’t make her happy. She needed to find her own happiness. She started telling me that when she was cheating on me “She just didn’t even care” Her feelings towards me had changed years ago. “Think about all those times I didn’t want to have sex with you, figure it out”. I just left the room. She came into the kitchen a few minutes later and started yelling at me that she had taken $5,000 out of her IRA and if I thought she was going to cover my debt, I had another think coming.

Well we are divorced now. The outrageous behaviour continues on her part. She's disrupted plans for my boys birthday parties for the last 2 years. I see a woman now and this past week she got a phone call. "I am dating Steve, you better stay away". She comes into the house she abandoned at will and takes things. I know I should change the locks, there's reasons I haven't done that yet. My ex still blames her depression on me. That's actually something I expected. In her reality I am the source of her depression. I have a hard time understanding that. I devoted my life to her and told her I loved her every day for 17 years. My ex contacts my family members and tells them lies and tries to get information from them about what's going on in my house. She tells my boys that I should be giving her money and that I don't care about them. I share custody with her, yet I have the boys 90% of the time. My ex now lives with a man who is an alcoholic. They argue constantly. I know this because she tells me. Like I care what her relationships are like. The only thing I care about is the well being of my children. I don't trash my ex in front of them at all. My youngest boy never wants to leave my home. "I don't want to go to Mommy's", he protests. I tell him that his mommy misses him and she would like to see you. He cries the whole ride over to her basement apartment. "Why do you hate me so much". That's another outrageous thing she actually says to her 4 year old son.

My ex sends me harassing emails at work telling me she is going to file for full custody of the kids because "I don't give a fuck about them". She leaves drunken messages on my cell and home phones berating me. I save them all. Maybe someday I will be the one who files for full custody of the boys and she will be the one who has strict visitation rights. "You can see your kids every other week like all the other divorced dads" she screams at me over the phone and through emails. The anger in her voice is mixed with the slurring of alcohol.

Two days later she's walking right into my home without knocking. My dog starts barking and sarcastically I say "yay". I meant cause the dog was barking crazily. She actually thought it meant I was happy to see her. DUH.

As I protested divorce she lay in bed one morning "Who knows, maybe in a couple of years we'll get back together, I have two friends that got divorced and that happened to them" "Not a chance", I replied. "If we end up getting divorced it will cost our life savings. We will be looking at bankruptcy and foreclosure. We will have put our children through hell. I will never come back to you if we indeed do get divorced". The look on her face was just a bit worried that morning. I meant every word of it. I don't think she realized divorce to me meant no reconciliation.

Last week as I sit in work I get an email. "Still waiting for things to get better" my ex writes. Well when all you see is the negative things in life you will never see things get better.