Atlas Shrugged, I Persevere.

 I have been told many times "the lord only gives you what you can handle". I have thought about that phrase often now over the last 6 years. Sometimes I find myself looking to the sky and actually speaking the words "Lord is that not enough yet?" I already know the answer. I am actually a very lucky man. I have been blessed in many ways. Well except for the amount of active hair follicles on the top of my head, but that would have to be considered the very least of my problems.

Personal problems are all relevant. Relevant to the people who are experiencing them at the time that is. I know that I am a lucky man because I have two healthy sons. I have lived a semi charmed life as Third Eye Blind calls it. I have been able to stay employed so far in this economy in a business that has been hit very hard the last year and a half. When I sit and think about it, my problems are miniscule compared to other people of the world. I have never felt the pangs of starvation. I have never lacked the affection of a family. I have never needed to be dragged off the field of battle. Still I ask on occasion, "Lord is this not enough yet?"

The death of my brother six years ago seemed to be the time when the lord began piling weight on my shoulders. Up to that point of my life I had thought I had known grief. Grief to me was when my parents divorced when I was seven years old. Grief to me was being rejected by the girl that I had fallen in love with at the age of 20. Grief is relevant too. After the death of my brother I began understanding that grief is different for each person who experiences it. My Mother has known grief. After her divorce from my father she met and married a man who physically and emotionally abused her for seven years. She cried herself to sleep each night for years because she did not have custody of her children. Her grief was the pain of not being able to nurture and watch her children on a daily basis. Now she cries each day for the son she lost suddenly in a tragic accident. The son who was so caring and loving. The son who had a sparkle in his eye and would tell his Mom "Don't worry Ma".

Today I am the one who feels like I am carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders. Since my brother died six years ago I have been looking to the skies and asking "how much more Lord". He must feel that I am very strong because the weight just keeps on getting heavier. I had devoted my life for the last 10 years to my wife and children. I wanted to be the best husband and dad that I could possibly be. I may have had the wrong idea of what would please my wife. I thought she wanted a man who would tell her that she was pretty, and sexy. I thought she wanted a man who would pitch in around the house and cook and clean and allow her space to go out with her friends when she felt that need. I was wrong. I devoted my life to her for 16 years and one day she told me she needed more. I thought "how much more lord?" Divorce was bitter and long. I fought it as hard as I could. In the end I came out a stonger man. That must be why the weight keeps getting added.

Over the last year I have had to fight to save my house. The mortgage company doesn't care that I am now a one income family. I lost my job over a year ago. "Lord is it enough yet?" I considered myself lucky to get another job almost immediately. "Thank you Lord". In February of 2009 my new employer started feeling the effects of the slowing economy. "I can't meet payroll this week" he told me. The mortgage company didn't care about my personal problems. That's because they are MY personal problems. Months went by and checks would come only rarely. "How much more Lord?" Foreclosure documentation came in the mail. "Lord? Even more?" In August of this year I got laid off again. Second time in 13 months. Again I hustled and got a job. This time it took only two days. When I started the job I was told "this is only a temporary position. We promise to sit with you and discuss the possibility of continued employment with our firm at the end of November." Will I lose my third job in 18 months Lord? My shoulders are so sore now.

Then I look at my two young sons. I am the luckiest man in the world. I have two healthy boys who are happy and who live in a great neighborhood in the only home they have ever known. Yes I still live in the home. I survive, that's another reason I consider myself to be a lucky man. My boys ate a home cooked dinner tonight. We watched Lilo and Stitch today on a rainy Saturday afternoon. We had popcorn and we had drinks and we had fun in our warm home.

In other parts of the world children starve. Relative, see what I am getting at. It's all in the way we look at what we have to deal with. No matter what I will wake up tomorrow in my bed. My boys will be here. We will be a family. We will carve pumpkins and go get some costumes for Halloween next weekend. We will enjoy our day and later I will watch my home town football team on the television and get a little bit of my own personal time in. I can carry the weight Lord. I know the weight being born by others is so much more massive than my own.